I had no idea that the worst advice for parents of toddlers was so often and easily dished out. Just when you need it the least.
Let me start with a moment of full disclosure – I am out of practice when it comes to co-existing with toddlers, never mind parenting them.
My kids are teenagers, so there is some distance between me and the time when I actively parented toddlers.
Not to make you parents of toddlers upset, but yeah, I have grown used to peeing alone. My feet are no longer covered in protective calluses intended to shield my metatarsophalangeal joints from encounters with wayward pieces of Lego.
And honestly, I haven’t stepped in something mysterious and mushy for at least a few weeks. I mean, I still cohabitate with young people.
It’s also true that the gift of time and sleep allows me to look back on my children’s younger years through almost rose-coloured goggles.
Almost.
Then, into my relatively peaceful existence, entered my niece.
My Toddler-wrangling mojo is not what it used to be
This baby girl is sweet, wonderful toddler perfection. She is also the universe’s way to remind me what it was to try and care for a tiny ball of energy. This precious tornado of words and whirlwind of big feelings keeps me on my toes.
Having a toddler back in my life makes me reflect.
And it makes me tired…
But I digress.
First, I am painfully aware that I have completely lost my Toddler-wrangling mojo. Toddlers are officially smarter than me. I am ok with that.
Once, when she was two, I had given my niece yogurt. She dropped her spoon on the floor and I picked it up and turned my back to rinse it off. By the time I returned to her – no more than 45 seconds later – my niece’s hands, her highchair, my table and my puppy were covered in yogurt.
Total rookie move folks.
Turning my back and actually washing a spoon that dropped on the ground?
What is she, my firstborn?
The second thing I’ve started noting is how dipping into the Toddler-life has made me look at the world around me differently. Being in the position of being able to give the toddler in my life back to her parents at the end of the day, allows me perspective.
I’ve started to really take in the toddler parents around me.
Specifically, I’ve started to pay particular attention to the absurd advice people give to you folks who are actively parenting toddlers.
I’ve started to pay attention to the worst advice given to parents of toddlers
I was in line at a small grocery store recently.
Standing in the line next to her, I watched as a mom unloaded her grocery cart. She was all business, seamlessly unloading her cart, managing her toddler and then pulling out her reusable bags.
The toddler seemed content. Strapped into the front seat of the cart, he asked if he could hold the bananas. After quickly having them scanned, the mother amicably agreed. She offered him a big smile as she handed him the bananas and even thanked him for offering to help.
It seemed like this mama had everything in check. She was present and easygoing. Clearly an old hand at toddler management strategies. The child didn’t even have an electronic device, the two had actually been speaking with each other in line.
But then, as they do when the toddler tornado approaches, the winds changed suddenly.
Toddler winds can shift into a full-blown toddler tornado
As the mom placed a box of cereal on the check-out belt, the removal of this item set little man off.
Though he had seemed perfectly calm only the moment prior, this simple move had him in full whine mode. Gripping his almost forgotten bananas he wailed, “Whyyyyyyy ??? ceerrrrreal”?
Or something close.
I’m out of practice so I’ve lost my whine translator. I couldn’t make out his sentence in its entirety.
To her credit, the mom looked puzzled but kept her composure. She assured him he would get the cereal back and continued to unload her cart.
Then, things escalated. Fast.
The mom reached to put another item on the belt and used her hip to push her cart forward. As she did, the child seemed to realize he was trapped and moving further away from the box of cereal. Suddenly inconsolable, the little guy started to cough and choke on his own snot.
As several of us looked on, including his weary mother, little man threw up what had probably been a well-timed toddler-taming snack. Chunky half-digested crackers mingled with spit spilled all over the bananas that hadn’t been paid for yet. Or bagged.
The mother calmly took a napkin out of her pocket. In what seemed like a fluid motion, she wiped her son’s face, cleaned the puke off the bananas threw out the napkin pumped sanitizer on her hand and pulled out her card to pay for her groceries.
I realized was witnessing some OG Toddler parenting.
In my mind, I applauded this woman’s poise. I also wondered if she would throw out the bananas once she was out of the toddler’s line of sight. He was now just sniffling. As it often does, impromptu vomiting seemed to have had a calming effect.
‘Remember every minute’? No, thank you.
As I wondered if I should offer her my bananas, an older lady walked by the child in his cart. She touched the toddler’s cheek, still wet from tears.
Turning to the mother, she said, “Isn’t it precious? Remember every minute”.
As she turned and took in what this woman had said, I read the look on this mother’s face as a plea for help. For all her composure, this unsolicited “advice” given in the midst of toddler mayhem was pushing her last damn nerve.
I abandoned my cart, walked over and while silently side-eying the old lady, handed the mother my bananas. As she paid, I started to help bag her groceries.
The mom shook her head but smiled gratefully. “Oh my God – thank you – I was trying to squeeze this in before his nap”.
Listen. At the end of the day, I’m sure this old lady meant well, but like really? ‘Remember every minute’? What?
No.
I’m pretty sure this mom is better off if her temporal lobe lets go of this precious grocery store vomit gem.
The brain fog and exhaustion resulting from the physical and mental Olympics that define toddler parenting make “remember every moment” the worst advice toddler parents can get.
It is only marginally better than the old school advice that dictates holding your baby “too much” will spoil them.
First because, thankfully, the brain of most parents is too damn tired to remember most of this stuff.
Second, this advice negates that there are many moments you spend wrangling your terrorist toddler you are better off forgetting.
I’m pretty sure the only reason I allow my children to continue to live in my house is that I have forgotten and thus forgiven them for the antics of their toddler years.
The worst advice for Parents of toddlers comes when they need it the least
Long after that morning at the grocery store, that mom still crosses my mind. She had done everything right and still things had gone off the rails. That is the life of a parent of a toddler. Knowing what I know of raising toddlers, I wonder if that was the worst part of her day or the easiest?
Often, I try to imagine what advice she or others like her could actually use.
As the mother of teenagers, I survived parenting toddlers. I feel like the prisoner who escapes Alcatraz and is now obligated to give inmates hope that it is possible.
At the same time, I have raised toddlers and am now raising teenagers so I’m pretty sure my wisdom tank is running low.
What I do know is this – all parenting is a lot. There is no parenting war here – I know parents of teenagers can use some love. I also respect that the work of parenting a toddler is in a league of its own. The tiny cute, wonderful balls of energy require a level of diligence, care and tactical preparation no one could prepare you for.
When all seems covered in yogurt, random outbursts of big feelings, full-on tantrums and selective hearing, you may not want to hear from those who have escaped the toddler prison and are on the other side of it. Bur I hope you’ll accept my advice in solidarity. My bananas are your bananas.
You are warriors. If I have any advice it is that you cannot and should not “remember every moment”. There is plenty you are better off forgetting. Choose to remember the toddler cuddles, the sweet kisses and sheer joy over the simplest of things, like empty boxes.
Let everything else go.
