There is nothing quite like the process of having your child assessed and then diagnosed with ADHD to make you question everything and anything you ever did and everything you are as a parent and human.
At least that’s how it has been for me.
So, let me start with a confession about me. Because some people (aka, my husband) have suggested that I have some type-A tendencies … I admit to being a hyper-organized, list-making, excel spreadsheet-loving warrior. And yes, I am in my element when multi-tasking projects and organizing anything ever.
I am not above taking a vacation day to organize my closet or bathroom drawers. It’s a thing I do and I find joy in doing it.
So of course, the universe saw fit to gift me with a child whose brain wiring ensures that they – on the surface at least – appear to be waging war against everything my Type A mind worships.
And that has been a hard road for my little micromanaging brain to traverse.
From the early days of taking my child for a psych-educational assessment, I beat myself up.
I wondered if I had waited too long to get the assessment. I worried that my dislike of an overbearing teacher led me to willfully ignore the concerns she had raised. Admittedly, my skepticism about this teacher was not unfounded, I was right to question whether the hyperactivity she constantly pointed out was rooted in actual observation. Particularly after this teacher called to report her concerns about behaviours that she had observed that day in her class, as my child lay at home with a fever.
But I digress.
Along the way, I questioned myself and my every decision but also learned much about myself and ADHD.
5 Lessons ADHD taught me
1. ADHD does not look the same for everyone.
In the early days, when I was learning about ADHD Dr. Google failed me. It was filled with contradictions and rabbit holes that I crawled into with reckless abandon.
There was so much to learn, and of course there are reputable sites, but only now do I realize I didn’t know what to look for. My child’s version of ADHD doesn’t present like my own or anyone else’s preconceptions or ideas of what ADHD should look like.
Many sites spoke a great deal about hyperactivity in children. I mean it’s in the name “ADHD”! But my kid is not particularly hyperactive, actually, they are not hyperactive at all and they have exceptional emotional control and emotional flexibility.
Much of what my child struggles with are things only someone working closely with them would even notice. What they lack in organization skills they make up for tenfold in creativity and problem-solving.
It was a hard but important lesson that there isn’t always an “and” between Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity. I had to learn to do research with an open mind.
2. Once again community – online or otherwise – is key.
I was fortunate to be working to better understand ADHD at a moment in time when we were more open to talking about and understanding ADHD. Athletes Simone Biles and Michael Phelps, actor Ryan Gosling and author Dav Pilkey of Captain Underpants fame, have openly discussed not only their ADHD diagnosis, how it impacted them in their lives and careers, but in some cases how they used medication or other treatments to help them reach their goals.
As well, despite Dr. Google’s shortcomings, there is a wealth of information online – while I had to be careful to find balanced perspectives rooted in science and fact, there is still a sense of community that can be found within online groups for those with ADHD or parenting someone with ADHD. I found certain resources invaluable, like CADDAC: Canadian ADHD Awareness | Education | Advocacy the site offers information, real-life stories and connects visitors to a wealth of resources including courses for parents.
Closer to home, I am forever thankful to a colleague and friend of mine who candidly shared their journey of being diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. They made clear how empowering a diagnosis and, in their case, the right medication had been for them. How they had wished they were in my child’s shoes, aware of their strengths and able to learn how to compensate for weaknesses early in life.
Because my child doesn’t display “typical” symptoms of the hyperactivity associated with ADHD, folks immediately questioned the diagnosis.
3. The world doesn’t understand ADHD, so I have to.
While I said I had to do research with an open mind, it’s also important to realize that others do not share my view of ADHD.
Truthfully, what remains challenging is how the world misunderstands ADHD and judges people’s choices for how they manage their and their child’s ADHD.
I noticed this when I started to read more about ADHD. Many Doctors authoring books have a very negative perception of ADHD. When I read between the lines, it was clear they saw ADHD as a deficit to be dealt with and didn’t share my view that ADHD is a learning style to be better understood.
Besides the doctors, there are the “normal” folks who don’t understand the complexity of ADHD. Even teachers instantly anticipate they will see hyperactivity and don’t quite know what to do when this isn’t the case. For many folks, because my child doesn’t display “typical” symptoms of the hyperactivity associated with ADHD, they immediately question the diagnosis.
Like I didn’t do enough of that or would have gone to some back-door quack for a diagnosis?
Most folks do not realize that ADHD does not look the same in everyone. And the limit to their knowledge doesn’t end there.
Folks seem to try to talk me out of believing in ADHD.
Many cannot understand the challenge of living with weak executive functioning skills and an impaired working memory. These are big terms and complicated things I’ve had several years to figure out. So I’ve almost given up explaining that No, having a working memory impairment is not just being forgetful and yes it’s more than leaving homework at school a few times.
I’ve come to see my child’s ADHD as their superpower and my ability to shield them from any negative perception of ADHD as mine.
I have said more than a few times, yes, I know every teen loses their keys every once in a while. And no, if your kid forgets their mittens every day, it doesn’t mean they have ADHD.
Of course, some of these are the folks who are quick to judge the idea of medication as “lazy” or – even worse in my book – conformist. Suggesting, not subtly, that only parents who couldn’t be bothered to figure out a solution would drug their child. That drugs and the mistaking normal childhood forgetfulness for something more nefarious. That instead of providing support I was rushing to medicate in order to conform to the rules of the rigid education system.
I once tried to explain it this way – telling me that my kid with ADHD is just forgetful, is the equivalent of telling a clinically depressed person they are “just sad”. This “get over it” style of advice is not helpful, it’s damaging and doesn’t make me, or the person with ADHD feel understood.
This constant questioning is exhausting and yet, whether I like to admit it or not, continues to play a role in my decisions. Whether exploring tutoring, counselling, medication, or apps – whispers and shouts from critics make me double down in my evaluations. I work to understand ADHD and to ensure any intervention or support enhances the qualities that I never want my child to lose.
4. No matter what you do, it’ll be right for you.
And of course, speaking of support, that is one area where the learning continues every day. We are doing what we can to help our children make it through school intact and believing in their capabilities.
And not to be “conformist” but my effort remains focused on ensuring that while they figure out where to direct their greatness, they keep options open. And so, yes this means doing decently in school. Truthfully my hope is just to the point in life where it’s a gift, not a curse to focus solely on things you love to do and that when they get to that point they will be ready to embrace it.
This might mean tutors and learning supports and ensuring that their IEP is followed. Equipping them, as they get older to advocate for themselves when we are not around.
Because one of my children claims to hate reading, I often find them both audiobooks and try to keep them interested by giving them new ways to take in information. Some call it bribery. I call it whatever works.
I know many children for whom medication has proven to make all the difference. Helping them keep focus they need to benefit from the help of tutors and deliberate practice.
The lesson here isn’t that there is a ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach. As with every choice we make for our children we have to take informed, well-researched action, weigh risks against benefits, and ultimately do what we think is best.
Nothing will work for all people and all kids. Whatever your decision is around diagnosing and treating your child’s ADHD it has to feel right for your family.
The universe did grace me with a child who is everything I am not.
5. ADHD isn’t a deficit.
Perhaps the most important lesson of all is that ADHD is the most inappropriately named label for brain development ever.
Tacking on the word “deficit” to this diagnosis probably stands in the way of more people learning about brain development and recognizing or getting support for their ADHD.
Although most continue to refer to ADHD as a deficit, I try hard not to. Words matter and to me, labeling this as a deficit feeds into society’s habit of equating difference with “less”.
I’ve come to see ADHD as my child’s superpower and my ability to shield them from any negative perception of themselves as mine.
The truth is the universe did grace me with a child who is everything I am not.
This kid is free-spirited and creative when I am stuck in linear and inflexible thinking. They can be fun and playful when I am serious and doubtful. They are willfully and wildly self-confident whereas I am self-conscious and awkward. And they can be deeply introspective and thoughtful whereas I am pointy and callous.
Most recently, they have even followed in my footsteps and taken a liking to making beautifully designed and detailed lists. These lists are mainly created to detail Christmas or Birthday demands, but still, a list is a list!
Thankfully, we balance each other out. I’m here for all the lessons ADHD and my child have to teach me.
