As a parent of teenagers, my goal is to raise my kids to chase whatever the universe has in store for them. I hope to raise confident, kind warriors. Folks who have just enough sass to ensure people won’t walk all over them and enough character to use their voices as agents of change.
I want them to know they can change the world and they can do it by being the most glorious version of themselves.
Above all, I want them to feel they are safe to come home from wherever they wander.
But … for these blissfully liberated humans to reach adulthood each member of my family will need to survive teenagery teenager-ness. Yes, that’s a technical term. And I have to overcome any temptation to liberate them (or me) from my home.
Two things can be true – we can love our teenagers and living with them can be a lot.
I am not here to heap on negative anti-teen thinking. I believe teenagers get a bad rep which is mostly from folks who expect adult behaviour, decision-making, and reasoning from teen brains that are just not there yet in terms of development.
Those same people often have little empathy for the tsunami of emotions, pressures, and physical changes teens are navigating. I love helping to raise teenagers and know they have so much to figure out.
Teens are bold, they are scared, they are fearless they are timid – they a lot.
That said, even if you come from a place of understanding and respect for teen brain development, keeping a poised, level head throughout it is easier said than done.
When your kid is taller than you and wearing your clothes while delivering a searing attitude and sass that can (and has) made grown women weep, it’s hard to remember they are essentially toddlers wrapped up in adult-sized bodies.
And listen, maybe you are parenting teens and still don’t know what all the fuss was about.
Maybe you live in a state of bliss and harmony and the only thing you and your teen argue about is who loves whom more.
That’s wonderful. I am happy for you. If you are among this fortunate few, this piece isn’t for you. Definitely go check out unique gift ideas for your teen, cuz your teen deserves celebrating!
For everyone else who feels like the struggle to raise teens is real and who maybe needs a pep talk, this is for you:
Dear fellow parents of teenagers:
I see you.
Dear fellow parents of Teenagers,
First, let me say – I see you.
I know you were not prepared for this.
It seems like just yesterday you were starry-eyed, child-free, cradling your friend’s babies in your arms while wistfully imagining your future offspring.
And I know that when you greeted your own bundle of joy and you started this parenting journey, your foray into it was not without its challenges.
Sleep deprivation proved to be everything you had been warned about. Like many of us you lost yourself during the several years you were inordinately obsessed with managing your offspring’s feces.
You survived a threenager and toilet training. You were then rewarded with the sweet joy of parenting a young child. You dealt with starting kindergarten, fussy eaters, and other childhood shenanigans all while trying to get your kids to see the value in bathing daily. It was daunting and draining, however, you had kids who loved being around you and made you laugh with their literal interpretations and obsession with toys and playing.
You had survived tantrums and night terrors, severe allergic reactions, and had your first terrifying ER visits under your belt.
Truly, it seemed like whatever was to come, you’d be ready.
Things got real in the preteen years and some folks gently warned you of what lay ahead, but picturing the sweet playful child you knew today in any other light seemed implausible.
Plus, you had read the books and learned all the things – you were ready to do this teenage thing “right”!
Forgive yourself, love, you didn’t know what you didn’t know.
No matter your parenting greatness – you are no match for hormones
The shocking secret of teen parenting is that even when you do everything “right”, things can go quickly and terribly wrong and that’s what makes this part a lot.
You can be the parent who never says “because I said so” – since you realize it doesn’t typically produce the results you hope for in the long run with your child.
You can be the parent who is beyond screaming matches because that is not how anyone wants to spend their evening.
You can be the parent who has done the work to build trust and hold space for honesty so that your teen knows they are better off being honest with you at all costs.
Yes, you can do all the things and still, this part of the parenting journey can be rough.
Parents of teens, let me assure you that unless you have raised a robot, at some point teen hormones may rear their ugly head. And when they do, it may feel like all your good work has been smashed to bits.
One minute you might be lounging on the couch, legs entwined with your teen, laughing. And the next, a question (or lack thereof, you never know) has inadvertently set off eye-rolling, door-slamming, teary, stomping mayhem. Some ridiculous, nonsensical, unexpected discussion can escalate into a full-on assault on every one of your senses.
Even when you do everything “right”, things can go quickly and terribly wrong and that’s what makes this part a lot.
This inevitably happens after you have had a long day at work and no one took the meat out of the freezer for dinner. Maybe just after you spend an hour on the phone helping your aging father to find his wallet. Or on a day when a Karen is in line in front of you at the grocery store done lost her damn mind, again.
And — unless you are a robot — this is the point in parenting a teen that leaves you feeling triggered. You might be in your feelings, left baffled wondering what in the hell happened.
You may have even dared to believe you would be the type of parent unbothered by teen antics. You thought you knew what to expect and were ready for your teen to test boundaries.
But then you have one of those days.
A day when your teen doesn’t finish their chores … and leaves the kitchen a mess … and forgets to pick up their sibling as you had asked. Then leaves you waiting in your car for 35 minutes to pick them up after their part-time job.
And the day isn’t over after they get in the car – you just never know what you’re gonna get! It could be anything from deeply remorseful apology for not doing their chores to a sour face and barely audible “hi” as they plop into your car and give a full-blown sass-fest.
On these days you’re sure you’ve done something wrong and this isn’t how it was supposed to be.
Please know that this is exactly how it is supposed to be.
Parenting a teen is a wild ride no one could have prepared you for.
It feels like we are so close to the child-rearing “finish line” – only to be constantly plagued by moments that make us question our life choices and parenting skills.
The good news is I have not yet one parent of a teenager who floated through this stage unscathed. Not a single parent who claims to have had all the answers never argued, never saw their teen hulk out.
No one has dared claim to have remained poised and confident throughout these seven years.
I assure you that the flash fights, the bad days, the big feelings – they don’t last.
The work we put in as parents and humans around, before and after these moments do.
Parents who have emerged from the other side of this time tell me that the secret to their success had little to do with their parenting skills. Instead it seems their survival depended on having a few safety nets. Some relied on a well-stocked wine cabinet. Others on well-timed bus-cations (aka business trips). Others still simply learned when to lay low at the gym until things cooled down at home.
Yeah, it’s like the grown up version of hiding from your toddler in the closet.
Parenting a teenager can feel like a lonely road
As the parent of a teenager, it can seem like just at a time when you could use more community, you are left to navigate this stage of parenting very much in a cone of silence.
You long for the days when you could commiserate about how embarrassed you were during little 3-year-old Taariq’s latest grocery store tantrum.
Although at times we didn’t always want it, when we were the parent of infants, toddlers, and young children, we seemed to get empathy, advice, and solidarity gifted to us.
As a parent of a teen, not so much.
Things change when we suspect our 16-year-old is experimenting sexually, they tell us they hate us for the first time, or they simply refuse to speak or engage. Though just as developmentally appropriate as those tantrums were, we are no longer rushing to share our teen’s antics because we anticipate that the well of advice and empathy we once tapped into when we had toddlers will have dried up and be replaced with a healthy dose of judgment and shaming.
Add to that the complexity of trying to honour our teens’ need for privacy, and parents of teens often march this beat alone.
Sometimes we cope by sharing our parenting highs. Boasting when our teen gets their first job, makes an elite team, receives a scholarship or is accepted to the university of their choice. These moments are worthy of sharing and celebrating because they help us hold on to the shreds of our parenting dignity. We can bask in the knowledge that our child isn’t actually a sociopath, and we did something right.
Parents don’t rush to share their teen’s antics because we anticipate that the well of advice and empathy we once tapped into will have dried up and be replaced with a healthy dose of judgment and shaming.
It may help to know that the glossy pics our friends are sharing on socials are not the full story. Behind these moments of parenting pride are low moments we all share. This knowledge might help us to treat other people’s highs as the glimmers of hope that they are.
With any luck, we will get there too.
Be kind to yourself
We know it’s not an easy time to be a teenager. I would not want to repeat those years of body changes, first loves and heartbreak, school pressures, experimentation, and shedding childhood naivety. It can be a tough time as the curtain goes back and teens see the good the bad and the ugly of the real world.
But it’s equally important to remember it’s not exactly kittens and lollipops in the land of parenting either. This sh*t can be exhausting. All of it.
Many of us who are parenting teenagers are managing their complex needs, problems, asks, demands, and moods while still investing in our careers, caring for aging parents, trying to maintain marriages or partnerships, or navigating co-parenting. Or all of the above.
So all of this is to say that when you give your teen grace – give it to yourself too.
Seize or create as many moments of peace and fun as you can. I see you out there trying to affirm your teen. I am proud of you for trying to make sure that no matter the situation with them, you don’t damage your relationship. But for damn sure while you are doing all of that for your kid – know that you deserve some treats and kind words. In any way possible try to make yourself feel a little less stretched and beaten down.
When you give your teen grace – give it to yourself too.
Sometimes all we can do as parents is hold on for the ride with our teens. When this happens, we have to remember that it’s not them and it’s not you.
As a parent of teens I don’t know if I write this for others or for myself. Even though I have wished that the parenting life had come with a warning label, preparation course, or wine-of-the-month subscription – the truth is nothing could have prepared me. Not for the best parts, or for the less than the best parts.
Parenting a teen just is what it is.
Magic, mayhem, and everything in between.
