“But why can’t I eat two steaks for an after-school snack?”
“Why can’t I stay up all night playing video games? People make whole careers out of gaming.”
“Why do I have to keep my room clean – it’s easier to find things this way!”
“Why can’t you give me money for [insert random, unnecessary thing here]”?
Listen, I get it. I am as gentle a Black parent as you can imagine. I have read all the blogs and Books with the Best Advice for Black Parents, listened to the podcasts, and did all kinds of inner work. I’ve come as close as humanly possible to mastering active listening, positive reinforcement, and the fine art of responding to the 79th “MOMMMMM!” of the day and sounding relatively pleasant about it.
I made it through the terrible twos, and outwitted three-nagers — but now, now I find myself wandering the desolate lands of Teenageria.
This new land is different.
It’s a place where everything is up for debate and every conversation feels like I’m trying to negotiate peace treaties at the U.N. But instead of global leaders, I’m dealing with people who think that adding hot sauce to ramen qualifies them as a chef.
Bless them.
The Socratic debates about everything. And the logic…or lack thereof. This is going to break me.
Don’t come for me. I genuinely believe in treating kids like humans – respecting them, explaining the “why” behind rules, and fostering their critical thinking skills. And yes, I want my kids to want to talk to me – and to feel heard and understood and whatever. I generally try not to lose my entire mind even when I am more than justified.
But GOOD LORD, the questions. The endless “but why?” The Socratic debates about everything. And the logic…or lack thereof. This is going to break me.
“Mom, why can’t I take a nap in the bathtub like a hot dog in warm water?”
Wait. WHAT?
“Why can’t I shower for 45 minutes? So, you’re telling me that water conservation is more important than my personal hygiene? You used to tell me to wash properly – now you’re mad that I’m too clean?”
Sweet mercy.
As a Recovering Spankaholic, there are days when I feel like I deserve a medal for not snapping into my old mindset. I’ve done my best to turn over a new leaf. I have come to rely on my trusty Stern Voice of Deep Annoyance™, perfected over years of trying not to lose my cool. Works most of the time, and doesn’t even raise the blood pressure.
But let’s be real, there’s a limit. Because you know what? It’s not that I don’t want to give them reasons. I do. But sometimes the reasons are so obvious, or the questions are so absurd that I just don’t have it in me. And because sometimes I just don’t have a reason that’s going to satisfy their endless curiosity or their desire to out-logic me into submission.
Because sometimes, I just don’t have a reason that’s going to satisfy their endless curiosity or their desire to out-logic me into submission.
There’s a point where I just want to stop being the collaborative, reason-giving parent and revert to the ancient wisdom of generations past:
“BECAUSE I SAID SO.”
“Why can’t you eat two steaks as an after-school snack? Because I said so.”
“Why can’t you leave your towel on the floor? Because I’m not trying to raise a swamp creature. And Because I said so.”
“Why do you have to go pick up your exam mark? Because this isn’t DoorDash, and the school isn’t delivering your grade to your doorstep and Because I said so.”
No debates. No follow-ups. No five-minute monologues explaining the finer points of food waste, the limits of a hot water tank or the best practices of basic hygiene.
The reality is, I’m tired. At this point in parenting, I’ve answered more questions than a Jeopardy! contestant and endured more tense stand-offs than a hostage negotiator. And as much as I love my kids, sometimes the answer isn’t a lesson, a whole conversation or a teachable moment.
To all my fellow parents out there, recovering spankaholics or not: If you’re struggling with the “why phase” – or worse, the teenager logic Olympics – I see you. I feel you.
And I’ll say it for us all who miss the divine simplicity of “Because I said so” – no matter what these teens do to convince you otherwise, sometimes, that’s just the damn answer.
Because I said so.
