Before I had children it never occurred to me that dealing with racism at work would have anything to do with being a parent.
Picture it:
Several years and several jobs ago, a colleague and I were spending a pleasant Friday morning together. As was our habit, she and I were having our end-of-week, project catch-up ahead of our all-team meeting.
Coffee in hand and laptops open, we sat at the communal department meeting table. We chatted good-naturedly as we went over project deliverables and threw in some juicy office gossip for a good laugh.
It was during one of these good-natured chuckles when our manager walked up, surveyed the two of us and with a chuckle of his own, smiled and commented:
“Well look at this ebony and ivory thing you have going. You two look like you belong in a Benetton ad – with her so lovely and fair and you so very dark.”
My colleague’s mouth dropped open, her “fair” skin flooded with colour from her neck to the roots of her blonde hair.
After dropping what he seemed to think was a wisdom bomb, our manager sauntered away. He had chosen violence that morning, but it was clear he thought nothing of what he had left in his wake.
My colleague looked at me, her blue eyes wide with outrage and bewilderment. She misinterpreted the look of resigned disgust on my face.
Vigorously shaking her head, her voice cracked as she asked, “Oh my God, didn’t that bother you?”.
I replied that of course, it had bothered me. But we both acknowledged that it was not the first time this manager had said something off-colour. Pardon the pun.
And he certainly wasn’t the first or the last problematic manager I had experienced.
Bringing work home has a new meaning
Sensing that I didn’t want to talk about it, my colleague and I continued our meeting. Despite carrying on with my day, I was still processing what had happened. Because of this, I know I took this comment home with me. I was not myself all the way home. Unable to release my annoyance over the incident I hardly recalled the drive home.
I struggled with a question that often surfaces when I face incidents like this. I wondered what counsel, experience or upbringing could make him believe it was ok to say what he had said?
Looking back, I know I was triggered by the inherent colourism rooted within the comment. Progressive terms weren’t yet widely adopted then, so I used a ‘what tf is wrong with him’ approach to unpacking microaggressions.
I wondered how I would face the coming weeks in the office working with my manager. I hated the thought of our 1:1 meetings because he often acted the fool. I contemplated ways to remain composed during his feedback, which from experience I knew he would pepper with “funny” (aka hella racist) anecdotes. Then I fumed over having to contemplate this at all.
When I finally made it to daycare to pick up my kids, their sweet little faces helped wash away my annoyance. Their urgent need to tell me about their day, play and then be fed, washed and snuggled kept me busy for the evening.
After the kids were in bed, I recounted the incident to my husband as I savoured a cup of hot tea. He rolled his eyes and we shared a chuckle at the ridiculousness of the situation. Then he sat down and reviewed my resume as I searched for job postings. I was determined to get the eff out.
Being a parent made me less tolerant of nonsense
Having beautiful kids, a supportive partner and something of an exit plan managed to distract me. But after my initial outrage subsided, I began to surrender to mounting anxiety. For days I would relive the embarrassment of the incident. I swallowed my anger and just waited for the next inevitable ridiculousness my manager would drop.
Looking back, I am still thankful that my colleague was almost as mortified as I was by what had happened. She went to Human Resources and seemed genuinely surprised when they did nothing. When HR urged her to document incidents and return if there was “a pattern of behaviour”, she was livid.
Truthfully, her outrage over the incident made my next few months bearable. She was the ultimate accomplice long before it was a thing. She clapped back at our manager the moment he said something vile. Which he did, multiple times. She tirelessly reported him to a non-responsive HR.
I felt I was lucky in this circumstance. My colleague never once tried to gaslight me or convince me that our manager “didn’t mean anything by it”. She became watchful of his behaviour and tried to report it to hold him accountable. Most importantly, within 3 months we had all helped each other to find jobs and move on from that company.
Moving jobs was the best answer for me.
Although having the responsibility of a family made me financially unable to just quit, it also made me unwilling to stay in a toxic environment. I only had so much energy and I couldn’t spend any part of it being made to feel like less than I was.
As young as they were at the time, it was not something I wanted to model for my children.
I knew I had to move on.
Navigating work while parenting leaves many of us feeling trapped
The more I have been told by friends and seen firsthand, many of us navigating the working world aren’t as lucky.
A personal support worker who was weary and wondered how to handle a patient who, despite being introduced to her by name several times, refers only to her as “the Black one”.
A marketer who during the first six months of her employment was singled out in each weekly staff meeting and asked to “remind people” how to say her name.
A Black teacher who overheard a fellow teacher talking about a Black student’s parents as “typical Africans”. The tone of her voice indicated it was not a compliment.
And notoriety, wealth and fame don’t necessarily seem to shield one from experiencing racial micro or macro aggressions and insults in the workplace.
Wes Hall was the first Black Dragon on Dragon’s Den, and the Founder and Chairman of Kingsdale Advisors. By all measures he is a successful and powerful executive. In his book, “No Bootstraps When You’re Barefoot”, Wes Hall recounts some of his encounters with racial bias throughout his career. In one incident, this corporate leader recalls being mistaken for cleaning staff, despite sitting in an executive boardroom and wearing a 3-piece bespoke suit.
As always, we make light of racism at work when we shouldn’t have to
To cope, many of us share our experiences like swapping war stories with other Black professionals. I hear the stories at family gatherings, parent council meetings and anywhere I meet with other Black folks who work.
“Oh, that’s nothing, my boss has asked me 4 times about where to stay in Jamaica when she goes. She seems downright confused each time I tell her I am not from there and I have never been there.”
“I do not have patience for the next person who asks me if my hair is real. Ma’am, you are a 60-year-old redhead – you think your hair is “real”?”
“Well, I told them, thank you for noticing I look like a “natural athlete” but no, no I don’t want to play on the company softball team.”
“I’ve been confused for the only other Black person in my company six times. We look nothing alike – she’s a head shorter and her hair is blonde. I just started answering to her name because I can’t be bothered.
As for me, I had so many Homey D. Clown inspired visions of retribution… Sometimes picturing myself wielding my own tennis ball filled black sock was the only thing I could do to stay grounded and employed.
Visions of retribution helped me move along. Back then, it seemed like all I had.
Nowadays it seems like the conversations that resulted from the racial reckoning of 2020 would make it impossible for managers to carry on as mine did. And that maybe more folks might expect the Black person in the boardroom to be an executive.
But the truth is that while we have more language to use to describe some of our experiences, many still do not feel we have the support within our organizations.
Know when it’s time to move on
One friend recounted her disappointment after accepting a job. She had believed the interviewers who had said the company was deeply committed to diversity, equity and inclusion.
Once she was in the organization, she quickly discovered not a place of belonging but of microaggressions. Employees were code-switching left and right. While there were several people of colour in the organization, few held senior positions within the firm. Those that did were not comfortable with or encouraged to bring their authentic self to work.
She was mistaken for other colleagues of colour multiple times. Someone asked if they could call her a more Western-sounding name rather than her “complicated” African name.
The last straw, which let her know it was time to leave came during Black History Month.
While she had noted the organization’s overall approach seemed lazy, things got offensive during a company luncheon. The lunch featured West Indian food which was great until the speeches began. She nearly choked listening as white company leaders proudly used a mock Jamaican accent while weaving gratuitous use of “eh mon” and “cool runnings” into their remarks.
I mean, she wasn’t mad she got roti for lunch, but it was not worth degradation. She and the few other Black folks took their food and left the lunch. It was clear the folks behind the “diverse and inclusive” neither knew nor cared about either. While she couldn’t leave the new role immediately, she began to distance herself and prepare for her exit.
Can racism at work affect parenting while Black?
Many of us seem to buckle down and bear it when it comes to toxic workplaces.
But evidence suggests that experiencing racism, even in the workplace, harms our mental health.
So why am I talking about working while Black instead of Parenting while Black?
In my humble opinion, if our mental health is harmed by experiences we have while at work, that translates into us being less ourselves at home. It’s all part of the unique experience of parenting while navigating the experiences inherent to our Black identity.
More of us are equipped with equity-seeking language and the ability to name microaggressions, assaults and invalidations. And some organizations empower us to disrupt this kind of toxic culture. Many of us are able to change jobs when things get too much.
But for many folks, there is still a wide gulf between where we are and where many of us would like to be in the workplace. And this isn’t a problem that’s behind us. There are many current examples of workplaces disappointing us.
Eventually, swallowing this toxicity is going to impact how we show up as parents. Whether that’s by making us less present with our kids after a long day or being so emotionally drained that we are easily frustrated.
In my case after the ‘Benneton’ comment, I acted like it didn’t bother me. I did all the mom things and kept going to work. But living with microaggressions meant I had to be prepared. Anticipating the next bit of nonsense and managing my reaction took brainpower that I could have been better served using to do my actual job.
For those of us parenting while Black, we are also working while Black.
Racism at work doesn’t have to be a foregone conclusion for Black parents
For the longest time, I minimized my experiences. It was a way to survive while working in spaces where I was the only or one of the few. With bills to pay, kids to feed, and a career trajectory I didn’t want to damage, I probably put up with more than I should have.
I have since learned there are other options for those who feel they work in toxic environments.
Of course, if you are invested in or need to make your current job work, most experts will encourage you to document your experiences and bring them to your organization’s Human Resources team. Even if nothing is done, this documentation may prove important should you be terminated or otherwise penalized.
For those who are fortunate enough to have benefits or access, seek out culturally relevant mental health support. Simply talking through and validating your experiences may help disrupt their impact on your mental health and your family.
If your workplace is too toxic, your relationship with your colleagues is too damaged, or you just decide you need a change, resume services and recruiters can provide support. With more companies working to ensure greater diversity within their organizations, BIPOC executive search firms are starting to flourish.
The BIPOC jobs website describes its mission as bridging the gap for BIPOC professionals. With numerous jobs listed the company is focused on connecting BIPOC talent with their client companies. BIPOC Executive Search offers its clients Equity, Diversity and Inclusion training. But its site also features a candidate registration form for those seeking a job now or who wish to be kept in mind for the future. Both firms boast opportunities for BIPOC candidates to join equity seeking corporations.
It’s not you, it’s them. Seriously.
Some folks still don’t believe calling attention to the issue of racism at work will make any difference. Some of them are right. In some organizations racism and bias are normalized within their culture, making it next to impossible to call out. I don’t know many times in my career when I felt equipped or supported to call out the microaggressions and racial bias that coloured my time at work.
I do know this, once I had kids and realized that the crap I was dealing with at work was making me less present for them, I knew something had to change.
The days of grinning and bearing anti-Black nonsense and dehumanizing antics at the office should be behind us. If not for just ourselves, for our children. Having spent a great deal of time with Gen Zs and Alphas, these next generations of kids have no intention of having their identities belittled at school, work or otherwise.
We can and should learn from them.
