I recently took phones away from a group of students.
Not dramatically. Not as punishment. Just part of the afterschool leadership workshop I run— we ask kids to put their cell phone away so we can actually think, create, and talk to each other.
Most of the kids handed them over.
One girl paused. Hard.
I watched her face deflate. Not annoyance. Not attitude. Something closer to shock seemed to move across her whole body. Like I had interrupted something she didn’t fully understand herself.
And like “no phones” hadn’t been the rule since the beginning of the program.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I could have taken away a pipe from an addict with less drama.
And that’s the part that stuck with me.
Because these aren’t kids who are in trouble at school. These aren’t kids being sent to the office. These are kids who signed up for a leadership program.
They want to be there.
And still… the pull of the phone is constant.
I’ve written before about Why Kids Check their Phones Constantly, and at the time, it felt like something I understood from the outside.
Now I’m watching it up close and it just feels different.
Parents know their kids have phones. They know they use social media platforms. But I don’t think most of us understand what it actually looks like in their daily life—or how it’s quietly shaping their confidence.
What the Research Says (and Why It Still Feels Incomplete)
Data is starting to catch up to what parents are noticing when it comes to social media impact on teens.
Pew Research Center studies have found that nearly half of teens say they spend too much time on social media. Teen girls in particular are more likely to report negative effects of social media, including mental health issues and low self-esteem.
At the same time, most teens and young adults say these platforms and online experiences help them build social connections.
Both things are true – and that’s the tension.
Because the impact of social media isn’t just about harmful content or obvious risks. It doesn’t show up as one big problem.
It shows up in small shifts.
And in many cases, it shows up in ways parents don’t immediately connect back to a phone.
I know I didn’t.
Why This Conversation Is Getting Louder (And Still Missing Something)
If you’ve been paying attention lately, this conversation isn’t just happening at kitchen tables anymore.
It’s happening in courtrooms.
Families are starting to push back on the role social media sites and tech companies play in teen mental health, including cases like the Tumbler Ridge victims suing OpenAI and the recent lawsuits against Meta. There’s a growing argument that the use of social media, the design of these platforms, and even the addictive nature of social media itself are contributing to real harm.
But I’ll be honest—sometimes it feels a bit disjointed.
On one hand, you hear calls for bans, restrictions, or holding companies fully responsible for the negative impacts of social media. On the other hand, most of us are watching our kids use these platforms every single day for friendships, school, and social connections in ways that don’t feel quite that simple.
It’s easy to look at those headlines and think, yes, something needs to change.
It’s harder to look at your own child and figure out what that change is supposed to be.
Because the reality is, social media’s impact doesn’t always show up in the extreme cases that make the news. It doesn’t only live in harmful content, online harassment, or excessive screen time—although those risks are real and shouldn’t be ignored.
A lot of it shows up in quieter ways.
In how kids navigate their teenage years and handle online interactions that define the digital world that takes up so much space in their daily life, often at the expense of things like physical activity, boredom, or just figuring things out on their own.
Social media’s impact doesn’t always show up in the extreme cases that make the headlines. Parents see quiet shifts happening every day.
And while research is starting to catch up to the broader social media effects we’re seeing, there’s still a gap between what studies measure and what confidence actually looks like in real time.
Because parents aren’t just tracking screen time.
We’re watching behaviour, noticing patterns and trying to make sense of small shifts that don’t come with headlines, but still feel like they matter.
And that’s where this list comes in.
I’m not over here giving a diagnosis. I’m just trying to put words to what a lot of us are already seeing—because after a while, these small shifts stop feeling random and start feeling like part of a much bigger culture change happening right in front of us.
1. They believe what they see online more than what’s in front of them
This one didn’t hit me all at once.
It showed up in little comments.
Things they “learned” online. Opinions delivered with complete certainty. References to people and ideas that didn’t exist in their real-life world five minutes ago.
It stopped sounding like influence and more like belief.
And if you’ve ever found yourself arguing with a TikTok talking point in your own kitchen, you know exactly what I mean.
2. Small things turn into big reactions
I used to chalk a lot of this up to hormones—and to be fair, some of it probably is.
Teenagers have always been emotional. That’s not new.
But over the last few years, I’ve noticed moments where kids seem genuinely shaken by things that, from the outside, don’t quite match the level of reaction. A project not turning out exactly how they pictured it. A photo they don’t like. Saying the wrong thing in front of other people. Something feeling “off” or not good enough.
And the reaction often feels bigger than the moment itself.
Not because these kids are dramatic, but because somewhere along the way, the standards they’re measuring themselves against seem to have changed.
When you grow up surrounded by perfectly edited photos, filtered videos, curated lifestyles, and constant online comparison, it makes sense that normal human mistakes start to feel bigger too.
I don’t think social media created teenage insecurity.
But I do think it poured gasoline on it.
3. They start to second-guess their own ideas
This one shows up during the simplest activities.
Ask a group of kids to draw something, build something, decorate a poster, or come up with an idea, and you can almost see some of them freeze in real time. They look around, often hesitant – or ask what it’s “supposed” to look like before they even begin.
Not all kids.
But enough that I’ve started noticing it.
I’ve had students sit completely stuck until they can look up an example online first. And only when I push them—“just try it your way”—do they actually move.
At first I thought this was just perfectionism. But the more I watch it, the more I think something deeper is happening.
A lot of kids seem uncomfortable trusting an idea unless they’ve already seen some version of it somewhere else first.
As though creativity now needs proof of concept.
It’s like they’ve been trained to believe there is a right version already out there. And theirs probably isn’t it.
And honestly, when you grow up surrounded by constant polished content, tutorials, aesthetics, rankings, and “best ways” to do everything, maybe that makes sense. The internet trains kids to believe there’s always a correct version already out there waiting to be found.
So when they can’t immediately picture something they’ve already seen online, some of them start assuming their own idea probably isn’t good enough.
And that’s the part I keep coming back to.
4. They become more afraid to try things
After watching a series of videos about Australia, my child decided we would absolutely never be going there.
Not because we had plans.
Not because of anything that had actually happened to us.
Just because the internet had apparently convinced him the entire country was one giant death trap run by spiders.
It sounds funny—and honestly, it was a little funny—but it also made me realize how much extreme content shapes the way kids see the world.
Algorithms don’t reward calm, balanced information. They reward dramatic reactions, shocking clips, and the kinds of stories people keep watching until the end.
And when kids consume enough of that content, the world can start feeling more dangerous, more embarrassing, or more risky than it actually is.
Over time, I think that changes how willing some kids are to try new things, take small risks, or even trust themselves in unfamiliar situations.
5. They struggle to sit with boredom or discomfort
This is one of the biggest shifts I’ve noticed over time.
At the end of my leadership program, there’s usually a stretch where kids are waiting for parents to arrive. If they’re close friends, they’ll keep chatting and joking around. But if the group is mixed—different grades, kids who don’t know each other well, or even just a slightly awkward lull in conversation—you can almost predict what happens next.
One phone comes out.
Then another.
And suddenly we’re all sitting in the same ten-by-ten space together in complete silence while everybody scrolls separately.
Honestly, it’s kind of fascinating to watch in real time.
Not because kids today are lazy or antisocial. I actually think a lot of them just haven’t grown up with much experience sitting in small moments of discomfort anymore.
If something feels awkward, boring, uncomfortable, or even just slightly slow, the instinct is immediate: reach for the phone.
And to be fair, the phone works. It fills the silence instantly with a video, a message. A constant exposure to distractions. Something to smooth over the discomfort before their brain even has time to sit with it.
But boredom used to do something important.
It forced kids to think, imagine, problem-solve, wander around aimlessly, make awkward social interactions and small talk, or figure out how to survive ten minutes without constant stimulation.
A surprising amount of confidence actually comes from living through those tiny uncomfortable moments and realizing you can handle them.
But if the phone rescues you from every quiet second immediately, you don’t really get the chance to build that muscle.
6. Their language starts to flatten everything
This one is subtle, but once you notice it, it’s hard to stop hearing it.
Everything becomes:
“mid.”
“cringe.”
“not that deep.”
“whatever.”
And listen, teenagers have always had slang. Every generation does.
But this feels slightly different to me.
The tone feels flatter somehow. More detached. Like everything has to be dismissed before it has a chance to matter too much.
And honestly, I sometimes wonder whether living online all the time contributes to that.
Because social media rewards quick reactions, sarcasm, short commentary, and reducing complicated things into one-line opinions. That tone starts to bleed into real life after a while.
I’m not saying social media created teenage attitude. Teenagers have been dramatic since the beginning of human civilization.
But I do think constant online culture changes how kids communicate with each other—and sometimes how comfortable they feel expressing real vulnerability too.
(And if you’ve noticed some phrases that make you pause, you’re not wrong—there’s a reason I pay attention to those red flags in what kids say.)
7. They compare themselves—even when they say they don’t
No teen will sit down and say, “I feel worse about myself because of social media.”
That’s not usually how this shows up.
It sounds more like:
“How come everybody has this?”
“Why don’t we ever go anywhere?”
“Everybody else gets to do stuff.”
“Everyone’s parents let them.”
And honestly, I think the bigger shift goes beyond influencers and appearance.
A lot of kids are now growing up inside a social environment that never really turns off. Group chats, Snapchat streaks, private stories, comments, screenshots, inside jokes, ranking culture—there is a constant stream of peer interaction happening in the background of their lives.
Unlike when we were growing up, many of those spaces exist almost entirely outside adult supervision or even normal social boundaries. Kids can say things in a group chat they would never say out loud in a classroom, and social hierarchies get reinforced constantly through reactions, replies, exclusion, and visibility.
When we were younger, comparison mostly happened at school, at the mall, or maybe through magazines once in a while. Eventually, you went home and got a break from it. Kids today carry that comparison home with them. It follows them onto the couch, into their bedrooms, and into the quiet moments where they’re still trying to figure out who they are.
And after enough exposure to everyone else’s highlight reel, normal life can quietly start feeling less exciting, less impressive, or somehow not enough—even when nothing is actually wrong.
Appearance absolutely plays a role, especially for teen girls, but I honestly think the deeper issue is that many kids are developing their confidence inside a culture of constant comparison and performance. When every moment feels visible, reactable, and open to commentary, it makes sense that some kids start second-guessing themselves more than they used to.
8. They feel like they always have to be “on”
This is the part I don’t think many of us fully understood when we first handed kids phones.
It’s not just that they use social media.
It’s that they feel continuously available to it.
Messages. Group chats. Notifications. Streaks. Snap scores. The pressure to respond quickly enough so nobody thinks you’re ignoring them.
Even when nothing dramatic is happening, there’s a constant low-level awareness that something could happen at any moment.
And honestly, I think that’s part of why taking phones away can feel so emotionally loaded for teens. To adults, it looks like removing a device. To them, it can feel like temporarily stepping out of their entire social world.
Because even when the phone is face down on the table, that pressure to stay connected doesn’t fully go away.
9. Their mood shifts after being on their phone
This is one parents notice but don’t always trust.
Your teen spends time on their phone, and afterwards they’re not necessarily angry. Not necessarily upset. Just slightly different somehow.
Quieter – noticeably more irritable, withdrawn, or more emotionally reactive over small things.
And because there usually isn’t one obvious cause, it’s easy to dismiss it or convince yourself you’re imagining the pattern.
But I don’t think parents are imagining it.
Because kids aren’t just scrolling memes anymore. They’re absorbing hundreds of tiny emotional inputs all day long—other people’s lives, opinions, appearances, arguments, bad news, social dynamics, and constant comparison.
Even adults struggle with that sometimes.
So it makes sense that teenagers, whose confidence is still developing, would feel the weight of it too.
10. They need feedback more than they used to
Bless these kids, but honestly?
If I get asked one more time, “Is this okay?” “What do you think?” “What should I do?” “Did I do a good job?” – I might actually lose it.
And I don’t mean thoughtful check-ins — I mean full interruptions.
Mid-instruction. Mid-activity. A hand shooting up because something needs to be validated right now… even when it only affects them.
At first, I thought this was entitlement. Or maybe even insecurity in the way we used to think about it.
But the more I watch, the more I see this I feel it is neither entitlement nor insecurity.
It’s conditioning.
Likes, replies, snaps, streaks – there’s a rhythm to social media that trains the brain to expect a response.
Something goes out… something comes back.
And when that becomes the norm, it’s easy for confidence to start depending on what comes back instead of what’s already there.
These kids are used to operating in a system where every action gets a response. A like. A comment. A snap back. Something that confirms: yes, this landed. I was heard.
So when they’re in a real-life space where that feedback isn’t instant—or isn’t coming at all—they don’t quite know what to do with that silence.
And instead of trusting themselves, they look outward.
Again.
And again.
And again.
Until the question isn’t really about the task anymore.
It’s about whether what they’re doing is good enough.
That’s the shift.
Confidence used to come from doing. Now it often comes from what comes back.
Because confidence used to come from doing something, figuring it out, and deciding for yourself how it went.
Now, for a lot of teens, it comes from what comes back after.
And when that loop gets strong enough, it’s not just about social media anymore.
It starts to shape how they move through everything.
And the truth is, this isn’t just about harmful content, privacy settings, or daily time limits on social media usage.
It’s about the environment our kids are growing up in.
Social media platforms are shaping how teens see themselves, how they interact, and how they decide what matters—and they’re doing it quietly, in the background of everyday life.
The tricky part is that it’s not all negative.
There are benefits of social media. Kids stay connected. Some say they find safe spaces and community online. The digital world gives them access to social support in ways many of us never had growing up.
But those positives sit right alongside some very real negative impacts.
And that’s where it gets complicated.
Because most of us aren’t dealing with one obvious problem we can point to and solve. We have probably set healthy boundaries – especially around the types of content our kids what the higher risk stuff we have been warned about. But now, many of us are noticing small things—a shift in confidence, a reaction that feels a little bigger than it should be, a dependence on feedback that didn’t used to be there—and trying to connect the dots.
So What Do Parents Do With That?
This is the part I wish someone had explained to me earlier, because once you start noticing these patterns, it’s very hard not to immediately go into problem-solving mode.
Do we take the phone? Limit the apps? Set timers? Move to a remote cabin with no Wi-Fi and hope for the best?
Unfortunately, this isn’t that kind of problem.
Because this isn’t just about harmful content, privacy settings, or how many hours your kid spends staring at a screen. It’s about the environment they are growing up in. One that constantly shapes how they see themselves, how they interact, and what they think matters.
And the annoying part is that some of it genuinely works.
Kids stay connected. They maintain friendships. They find communities, humour, creativity, and people who understand them. Pretending social media has no value doesn’t help parents understand why kids are so drawn to it in the first place.
But all of that exists alongside something else.
Something quieter.
A constant stream of comparison, feedback, pressure, and performance that follows kids around all day long. An environment where opinions arrive instantly, confidence gets measured publicly, and even ordinary moments start to feel like they need validation.
So what many parents are noticing isn’t one huge dramatic change. It’s a collection of small shifts that slowly start to add up.
A reaction that feels a little too big. A kid who suddenly second-guesses themselves. Someone who used to just try things now needing reassurance before making even small decisions.
And you’re left wondering: is this just being a teenager, or is something else happening here?
The answer is usually both.
Because social media didn’t invent insecurity, comparison, or peer pressure. But it has amplified all of them and placed them in kids’ pockets twenty-four hours a day.
Social media didn’t invent insecurity or peer pressure. It just put both in kids’ pockets 24 hours a day.
So no, the goal isn’t to panic.
And it’s also not to shrug and say, “well, this is just how kids are now,” while your child slowly turns into someone who needs a panel of judges to approve a glue stick decision.
It’s to pay attention.
Because once you start seeing these patterns, you don’t really get to unsee them. But that’s not a bad thing. It just means you are more tuned in to the environment your child is growing up in.
And from there, the conversations change.
Parents stop reacting only to behaviour in the moment and start asking better questions about what sits underneath it. We begin to understand how this digital world quietly shows up in our kids’ real one.
Not perfectly. Not all at once.
But enough to stop guessing.
And honestly, at this stage, that’s already a win.
Final Thought
I am not claiming to have noticed this all at once.
It wasn’t one big moment where I thought, social media is affecting these kids’ confidence.
This is something I have been sitting with. It was the look on that girl’s face when I took her phone. The hesitation when I ask students to come up with something on their own. The constant “is this okay?” questions that seem to come out of nowhere but somehow don’t.
And at first, I didn’t connect it.
It just felt like kids being kids. Teenagers being teenagers. A little more dramatic, a little more distracted, a little more unsure than I remembered.
But after a few years of watching it, across different groups of kids and in different settings, it doesn’t feel random anymore.
It’s hard to ignore the way kids second-guess themselves, need constant reassurance, and struggle to trust their own instincts. It feels like a pattern.
Honestly, it’s part of why I ended up writing about things like What I wish I knew before giving my kid a phone, because I think many of us handed over devices before we fully understood the environment kids were walking into.
And once you start seeing it like that, it becomes difficult to go back to thinking it’s just a phase, just personality, or just “how kids are now.”
It feels more like a shift. A shift in what kids need from the world around them just to feel okay about themselves.
Most importantly, it feels like a shift in how young people see themselves.
And I don’t have a neat answer for that.
But I do know that noticing it, really noticing it, is where things start to make a little more sense.
