So listen — the other day, I was discussing (ok, some might call it ranting about) how absolute trash some content creators push wondering aloud (some might say repeatedly) how we got here.
My daughter interrupted with one of those little truth bombs of hers that I’ve come to love.
“Mom…. the problem is you expect Gen Z and Alpha to have shame. We don’t. We don’t really have secrets – we’ve been online like always, so we don’t understand shame.”
I mean. Judging from some of the online madness, my baby isn’t like totally wrong.
Because today’s teenagers have grown up inside the internet in a way many of us still do not fully understand. Not beside it. Not occasionally on it. Inside it on a daily basis.
Social media is not a thing they log into anymore. It is stitched into friendships, humour, school life, trends, group chats, identity, and increasingly, self-worth.
Long before many kids even had their first words, baby photos, milestones, dance recitals, and first steps were already being uploaded online for friends and family to comment on. Their childhood unfolded alongside the growth of social media itself.
And while some of that connection can be beautiful, funny, creative, and deeply affirming, there is also a side of the online world that quietly shapes how young people see themselves — especially Black teens navigating platforms that constantly reward attention, performance, comparison, and clout.
That part deserves a lot more attention and parents are noticing.
The Internet Is Shaping Our Kids Long Before We Realize It
Twitter (now X) was live way back in 2006. Snapchat launched (as Picaboo!) in 2011. TikTok dropped in 2016.
Before they even had their first words, many of our kids’ baby photos were introduced to the digital world – via loving posts their parents made on Facebook. Long before any of us understood how permanent the online world and digital footprints would be – Happy birthdays. First steps. Kindergarten class pictures lit up our timelines.
Every awkward phase, questionable hairstyle, bad opinion, chaotic group chat, and regrettable screenshot now has the potential to live forever somewhere online.
And unlike most of us growing up, today’s teens do not really get the luxury of disappearing for a while, reinventing themselves quietly, or leaving certain moments behind, because the internet remembers everything.
Worse? The internet constantly feeds them ideas about who they should be while they are still figuring that out for themselves.
The internet is not just shaping what our kids watch. It is shaping what they begin to see as normal.
That pressure hits Black teens in specific ways.
Studies by the Pew Research Center already show that Black adolescents report being online almost constantly, particularly on platforms like TikTok and YouTube. This same report says that 73% of teens say they go on YouTube daily, making YouTube the most widely used and visited social media platform.
But beyond how much time teens spend online, or exposure to other harmful content – many Black parents are also watching their kids navigate online racism through unspoken eurocentric beauty standards, online stereotypes, colourism, misogyny, performative trends that mock racial identity. That is in addition to endless everyday pressure to stay visible, funny, attractive, relevant, or “unbothered” at all times.
And one of the hardest parts for parents to navigate is that the impact of a negative influence does not always look dramatic right away. Across different age groups, social media usage has become so constant that many kids barely recognize how much content they absorb in a single day. Over time, that steady stream of trends, opinions, beauty standards, and online conflict can shape body image, confidence, and emotional well-being in ways that are easy to miss at first. A lot of the growing concern around the risk of mental health problems is tied not to one single app or viral moment, but to the constant exposure and negative experiences that slowly become part of everyday life online.
As our kids grew up, the internet grew up too — faster, messier, louder, and a whole lot weirder.
And honestly, sometimes the internet feels less like a tool and more like that one loud relative who keeps giving your kid terrible advice while we all awkwardly pretend not to notice.
The Internet Is Raising Our Kids Too — And That Should Concern Us
A lot of conversations about online safety still focus on strangers, explicit content, or what kids might share publicly.
Those things matter.
But what many parents are quietly noticing now is something more subtle: the shifts in language, the sudden certainty about things their kids barely understood a month ago, the pressure to constantly keep up, and the feeling that phones are no longer just a tool but the centre of their social world.
And because these changes happen slowly, they are easy to dismiss at first. A lot of parents are not noticing one giant dramatic shift. They are noticing small ones that slowly start adding up.
Many parents do not fully realize how much influence social media use has until their child starts sounding a little more like the internet than themselves.
That is part of why I wrote about When Your Kid Starts Sounding Like the Internet, because once you notice those shifts, it becomes very hard to unsee them.
Online Spaces Are Not Separate From Real Life
Sometimes adults still talk about the internet as though it exists separately from “real life.”
But for teenagers, it is real life.
Friendships, conflict and validation that make up their everyday lives happen in online social networks. And yes, danger happens there too.
In recent cases involving missing Black boys in Ontario, many suspect youth were lured via chat groups. In these cases online relationships and private digital spaces became part of very real risks long before many adults understood how deeply those online worlds had taken hold.
That does not mean parents should panic.
But it does mean we need to stop pretending the online world is separate from real life simply because it happens through a screen.
How Social Media Affects Black Teens Beyond Screen Time
And this is the part I think a lot of online safety conversations miss.
For Black families and anyone who cares for, educates or works with Black youth, the concern is not only the obvious horror stories we see in headlines. It is also the quieter, everyday ways internet use shapes how our kids see themselves, their culture, and each other.
Because anti-Blackness online does not always show up wearing a hood and chanting racial slurs.
Sometimes it looks like trends, jokes, “preferences,” memes, or influencer content. This kind of online racial discrimination has negative effects. It slowly chips away at identity and Black community while pretending it is all harmless entertainment.
Viral “light-skin vs dark-skin” debates and negative comments that turn skin tone into a punchline.
Videos that paint Black teen girls as “too loud,” “too much,” or “ghetto” just for existing confidently in public.
Influencers borrowing Black culture, slang, hairstyles, or aesthetics for views while distancing themselves from actual Black people the second accountability shows up.
And honestly, one of the trickiest parts is that sometimes the messages are coming from people who look like us too.
Some of the biggest Black influencers online are still pushing colourism, misogyny, humiliation, clout-chasing drama, and public disrespect because outrage performs well online. The algorithm rewards attention, not wisdom.
Sometimes anti-Blackness online shows up as trends, jokes, and ‘preferences’ long before it shows up as obvious hate.
And because these creators feel familiar, funny, or culturally connected, it can become harder for young people to recognize when something unhealthy is being normalized right in front of them.
That is what makes this so complicated.
The internet is not just shaping what our kids watch. It is shaping what they begin to see as normal, valuable, attractive, successful, or worthy of attention.
And that pressure adds up.
Especially for teenagers who are already trying to figure out who they are.
If we are not careful, kids start learning that fitting in matters more than feeling grounded in themselves. That being visible matters more than being thoughtful. That performing confidence in an online community matters more than actually building it in real life.
This is not about panic or pretending social media is all bad.
Some online spaces genuinely find different ways to build online communities that offer connection, creativity, humour, affirmation, and community for Black teens.
But I do think parents need to stay aware enough to recognize when the internet is shaping our children in ways that do not actually align with who we want them to become.
Because once you start noticing it, you realize pretty quickly:
the algorithm is not raising our kids according to our values.
So What Can Parents Actually Do?
Honestly? We do not need to become cyber detectives.
And most of us are already tired enough.
But we do need to stay connected to our kids’ online world in the same way we stay connected to the people, spaces, and influences shaping their lives offline.
That means:
- asking questions without immediately panicking
- understanding the apps they use
- noticing behaviour changes
- talking openly about online pressure
- helping them recognize when content makes them feel worse about themselves instead of better
The algorithm rewards attention, not wisdom.
And yes, sometimes it also means realizing your child has somehow spent seven straight hours switching between TikTok, Snapchat, YouTube, gaming chats, and Instagram while still insisting they were “literally doing nothing.”
That pressure to always be online, always reachable, always checking, is something many families are struggling with right now. It is part of the reason My Teen Constantly Checks Their Phone. It’s Driving Me Nuts resonates with so many parents.
Because the issue is not just the phone itself anymore.
It is the whole ecosystem living inside that phone that kids are now growing up inside.
We cannot control every trend, every app, every influencer, or every terrible opinion floating through the internet on a random Tuesday afternoon.
But on of the best ways we can disrupt the influence is staying connected to our kids while they learn to navigate it.
We can help them stay grounded in who they are before the internet starts trying to define that for them.
And honestly, maybe that is the real answer to my daughter’s comment about this generation having “no shame.” Maybe it is not that kids today feel less. Maybe it is that growing up online has made them feel exposed all the time — constantly performing, constantly watched, constantly trying to keep up with a version of life that never really stops.
Which is exactly why they still need parents wildly committed to reminding them who they are offline too.
